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The New FAT TAX – Find out why and how this new tax was implemented.

April 1, 2011 by · 5 Comments 

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Well folks, today is the BIG day.  At midnight, we became the first country in the world to implement a FAT TAX.

What’s that you say?  You never heard of the FAT TAX.

Come on, you’ve got to be kidding!  Ghee whiz, you must live under a rock like the guy in the Geico commercial.

OK – for those that missed the news (and apparently many have) this is what happened and how the tax was passed:

New Scales at TSA Check Points for Weighing Passengers

It all started when the airlines recently decided to change their method of ticket pricing.  The new program will have a flat fee for anyone buying a ticket that weighs up to a published figure for their age and height.  People that exceed the chart figures will have to pay an added charge for each pound a person weights over that figure.  The weigh-in will be done by the TSA guards when boarding passengers are asked to remove their clothes – err, shoes (sorry about that mistake).   Yes, this is true!  You can read all of the details HERE.

Anyway, back to the subject of the story line:

I’ve been doing some digging on the Wiki-Leaks web site and ran across this little publicized and somewhat hush-hush law that has just been put into effect.

With soaring deficits, a faltering economy and a rebellious attitude toward any form of a tax increase, Congress has been grappling with how in the world it could come up with more revenue.  It was apparent they needed to generate enough money over the next decade to pay down all the government’s high interest credit card bills, maintain significantly important programs such as “Save the Willow Fly”, and continue a study on why a dropped piece of bread always lands jelly side down.

The Budget committees in the House and Senate decided to create a sub-committee to come up with a solution for creating additional tax revenue beginning in the first quarter of 2011.

Hidden Camera Catches Committe Members in Secret Meeting

The sub-committee was made up of both Republicans and Democrats.  They held their meetings off-site, in the back room of a Starbucks, so that they would not draw media attention to their discussions.

According to Wiki-Leaks, Mr. Olaf Priol, is the person to be credited with coming up with the FAT TAX idea.

Reliable sources now tell us that the committee had been brainstorming and debating for several days on how to raise taxes without the general population starting a revolt comparable to the one that occurred on December 16, 1773, in a Boston harbor.

Delegate Joe King had developed a long list of suggested tax sources and handed it to the committee chair, Mr. Jess Foolen..

Chairman Foolen was reviewing the list and making comments out loud to the committee as he began to mark off unacceptable items from top to bottom.

“We could add a tax to distilled spirits, beer, and wine.”  The committee echoed, “No – we have those already.”

Someone in the back suggested Tobacco.  “No, it is overburdened with taxes as it is now.” was the reply.

The guy from California blurted out, “Jewelry?”, then he sat down mumbling, “Oh yeah, we currently have an excise tax on that, even automobile and truck tires.”

“Hey, what about cell phone calls, cable TV and the Internet?” came a response from the Illinois member.  Everyone shook their head, two of the items were already taxed, and the Internet tax was too hot of a potato to handle right now.

Olaf Priol's Super Grande Double Crème Cocoa Latte

Then, the young representative from New York, Mr. Olaf Priol, said, “Hey, I’ve got it!  We need a FAT TAX! – it would run hand-in-hand with what the airlines are implementing.”  He then paused to take another sip from his Super Grande Double Crème Cocoa Latte.

The new 5,000 Calorie Mack-Stack Burger

Every one in the room stopped chattering and stared in total shock.  Mr. Priol continued, “We could place a tax on the Big Mac, doughnuts, French Fries, Triple Decker Whoppers with Cheese, potato chips, soft drinks, ice cream, Cap’n Crunch, Frosted Flakes – anything that the Surgeon General says is making our population overweight!”

He continued:

Your Moring Coffee and Doughnut Break will cost $1.00 more with New FAT TAX

“We could tell the taxpayers that this was a tax to make them healthy and save them money that theywill have to pay to the greedy airlines.”

Mr. Phil Laroof, the Senator from Mississippi, screamed out, “By Golly, you’ve got it!  We can disguise the tax as an effort to make our country skinny and healthy.  We can say the tax is a discouragement against consumption while we reap billions – no trillions – in new tax revenues for our earmarks – err, needed projects.”

Every one on the room agreed.  For the first time in a decade or more, both Republicans and Democrats had come together on a common cause – to save the people and their budgets!

They worked feverishly through the night and into the next day writing over 20,000 pages of fuzzy language describing the new bill.  When they presented it the House, it passed with a majority vote.  The Senate quickly acted, providing the same support.

Even Grandma Must Pay the FAT TAX on her Southern Fried Chicken.

The bill is worded so that the tax is added before the consumer’s final total.  It will be illegal for retailers to show the added tax at the time of sale.

FAT TAX Bill Being Signed into Law

The President signed the bill into law last week.  Since the media was in a storm over the bombing of Gaddafi’s army in Libya and rising oil prices, the bill managed to sneak in without any publicity.

So, don’t say you didn’t know.  Beginning today there will be a 5% tax added to ALL food and beverages that have caloric values greater than water and green lettuce.  The tax will increase to 10% May 1st and cap at 20% July 1st.  It will look like a typical price increase, but it really has nothing to do with the cost of goods, transportation, and services.

It is projected we will be able to pay off the national debt by the end of December 2011, and continue to fund the Jelly Bread research project.

You know this story has to be true.  You read it on the Internet. :)

HAPPY AND SAFE CAMPING TRAILS TO ALL!

Do you camp with a pet?  Please visit my No Pet Add-On Fees website at http://vastateparkscamping.com/ or by clicking on the blue highlighted and underlined text above for information regarding camping with pets in Virginia State Parks.

Private e-mails can be sent to:  RandynNancyageeatgmaildotcom (substitute a @ symbol for the bold at and a period . for the bold dot when entering the address into your e-mail program).

Comments

5 Responses to “The New FAT TAX – Find out why and how this new tax was implemented.”
  1. Janet says:

    April Fools!

  2. Professor95 says:

    Ahaa Shucks, you figured it out!

    What were the clues, besides the date? It would be fun to see how many people found them all.

    Clue #1 Olaf Pirol is an anagram for April Fool. :)

    Randy

  3. butterbean carpenter says:

    Howdy Randy Prof 95,
    If this is ‘truly’ yours, ITZ A HOOT !!!!!!!!!! That is the best one for the day!!!

    Smooth roads & balmy breezes !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Professor95 says:

    Butterbean,

    Yes, it is truly mine – and that ain’t no April Fools joke!

    Randy

  5. Austin Kobs says:

    This is histarical! Great creative article that sheds light on some serious issues our nation faces right now. If you want to share your own thouights on a proposed fat tax, visit: collegeeatoingdisorders.webs.com

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